Mozart and Me
(Published in the Inland Valley Daily Bulletin—January 7, 1996)
After all these years, I finally have my big break. I was watching for it, and when it came I was ready. Here’s the deal: researchers have determined that listening to certain kinds of music can actually increase your I.Q!
Specifically, they say, Mozart does the trick, although it only lasts for a short period. I was quick to see the possibilities implicit in this discovery.
Imagine, if you will: after a post-breakfast interlude with “Don Giovanni” on CD, I place a call to my stock broker. My newly-sharpened mental faculties give me a clear competitive edge. I make a few shrewd deals, and win big-time. This, in turn, gives me more time to listen, listen, listen.
Now, imagine this effect compounded, morning after morning. . .you get the idea.
Or, in a more mundane scenario: I visit my mechanic. The mere thought is enough to strike fear into the bravest heart—but not this time! I listen to him explain how I need to replace this, recalibrate that.
“Let me get back to you,” I say, and wander out.
What he doesn’t know about is the flawless version of “Eine Kleine Nachtmusik” I have playing in my headphones. After a few minutes, I’m back.
“You mentioned that I need a ring job,” I begin casually. “Isn’t it true that this is a rotary engine, and doesn’t have rings?”
All noise ceases as the other mechanics gaze at me, dumbfounded.
With my mind racing, I began to ponder endless vistas of human potential. If Mozart could do that, what might other kinds of music do?
I decided to conduct my own research. I subjected myself to a variety of music samples, and observed the changes in my response, perceptions and mental acuity. I humbly submit the following results, in the hope that they will benefit mankind:
Beethoven—great improvement in mental function, with wide mood swings. Could not hear wife calling for dinner.
J.S. Bach—marked mental improvement, proliferation of ideas. Increased sexual urge.
John Cage—experienced no thought at all for long periods; strange compulsion to eat mushrooms.
Bob Dylan—inability to concentrate; multiple personality symptoms. Degeneration of speech and diction, to the point of being incomprehensible.
U2—definite mental diminution, symptoms of megalomania.
Madonna—no mental activity observable; irresistible urge to rub against furniture.
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